bored of excitement – the griefjunkie blog 

Fame At Last

Dear Rachel

Yeah I was setting up my stall at Greenwich last Saturday when a woman, who had been watching me wrestle with hangers and clips and stock for some time, came over. ‘I’ve been following your work for years’ she said, ‘and I’ve always hated it’.

I’ve never been complimented and slagged off at the same time before, and it is a bewildering experience, let me tell you. It’s like if you laugh and sneeze simultaneously – a third thing needs to happen to equalise the situation, like wetting yourself. In the event, all I could muster by way of a reply was ‘Well, thanks for hanging in there’ which I said to her very-pleased-with-itself ‘I Am Not A Plastic Bag’ holdall as she walked off.

The slightly odd thing is, though, that unless you actually know me personally or follow these posts pretty closely it is quite difficult to work out what it is I actually do. I didn’t recognise her, so she must be among the hundred or of kind people who have nowhere else to go and read this on a regular basis. Assuming that this is the case, I’d like to extend a hearty Hello Piss There Off to you, wherever you are, by way of a welcome and a go fuck yourself.

[Hitting Read More now will reveal further bewilderances, among other things]

In common with anyone trying to put something in front of the general public that they haven’t seen before, I do get a fair amount of awkwardly mindblowing moments in the course of a trading day. It must be remembered that all Tony and I are currently engaged in is the production of novelty kitchenware for commercial benefit. They are not complex products to understand. One of the things I’d like to have on the new version of this site – which is currently four months late and counting, by the way – is marketcam, so that you can share with us golden moments of public non-comprehension over such apron slogans as I See Bread People.

Anyone who doesn’t understand the reference in I See Bread People is unlikely to have read this far, but yeah, it’s Sixth Sense. I’m not claiming it to be deathless prose, but it works well as part of a wider range of similar phrases arranged within a casual retail environment, and as far as I am concerned, that is its job. However, if marketcam ever materialises, you’ll be able to see people struggling with it in the same way that people once struggled with the fall of Rome, the Protestant Revolution, or Unified Field Theory. For example, this exchange took place on Sunday:

Drab Woman: What does it mean, that one with I See Bread People on it?

Self: Bruce Willis innit. Sixth Sense.

Drab Woman: But that’s I see dead people, though.

Self: It is, yeah, normally, but it’s an apron. Just, you know, bread, kitchens, aprons. Association innit.

Drab Woman: Why didn’t you just put I see dead people on it? I’d have understood it then.

Self: Would you have bought it?

Drab Woman: No. I didn’t like the film.

Self: Do you want me to go through it for you? He’s a ghost all along, you see, Bruce Willis’ character.

Drab Woman’s Husband [adopting a tone more usually suited to comforting a frustrated child who has failed, yet again, to tie his shoelaces]: Keep trying with your aprons, son. Better luck next time.

I was quickly dragged from my baffled state by Danny, who often trades opposite me. ‘Never mind’ he said ‘If she comes to my stall I’ll fuck her up the arse for you’ which admittedly is a course of action that had not occurred to me.

Photards: Top – Kennington, from a balcony, in September.

Middle – Hangers removed from aprons as they are sold at Greenwich.

Bottom – The Tower of London, seen here floating down the Thames. It later ran aground near Putney Bridge and was safely returned.

Facebook – We seem to have settled at 96 members now. It’s gone back to doing that thing where sometimes it goes to 97 for a few hours, but this is probably someone buggering about.

Twitter – Yesterday’s news really, Twitter. But yes, that’s us on it.


  1. MariBiscuits

    Oct 20th, 2009
    4:49 pm

    You should make a special ‘I see stupid people’ version to pull out in these circumstances.

    I recognise that balcony! I have smoked on there many times.

  2. Paul

    Oct 20th, 2009
    6:34 pm

    I see a lot of stupid people in my line of work, and they very often pity me.

    It’s a good balcony, yes, I visit it often. Now I’ve finally learned to walk there from Kennington tube instead of trying to work it out from Elephant and Castle, I am a lot less annoyed when I arrive, as well.

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