bored of excitement – the griefjunkie blog
Making Your House Look Possessed
Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 1:46 pm | Write a comment
Greenwich Market is great for dogs, and I saw a lovely one at the weekend. It was a largish Jack Russel terrier which was sharing a buggy with a small child. I was drawn to the animal’s remarkable sang-froid, which it maintained despite having it’s ears chewed enthusiastically by its happily toothless infant companian. The dog’s expression was the same as that which might fall across the face of someone pausing by the front door, trying to remember if they’ve put their keys in their bag or left them on the kitchen table. It was certainly happy enough – I got the impression that this sort of thing happened to him a great deal – but seemed to be aware of some inner wolf howling at him and wondering why he wasn’t running with the rest of the pack in an Alpine forest somewhere. The child seemed at times to be trying to climb into his hairy friend, with whom he would celebrate kinship by hugging him on the face. Later, I saw a mongrel called Bisto fighting a carrot on Nelson Road. Dogs are excellent.
[Slapping Read More now will reveal further dog secrets, and how to make a small house in Reading appear to be possessed by Satan]
I first bonded with my own dog, Buster, when I noticed that, if you threw a stick too far away, he would bring you back one that was closer. Sadly, Buster is no longer resident at Griefjunkie Towers, although he remains happy and comfortable and now has people throwing sticks for each other while he sits on a nice cushion and watches. Once, he spotted next door’s cat hiding under a bush, and charged into it. Buster was – and still is – a small black and white Jack Russell terrier, and the feline was similarly coloured. It therefore appeared, as one animal flew into the bush and one flew out, that Buster had turned into a cat, which gave me quite a turn, as you can probably imagine.
When I moved out of that house, I decided for a larf to make it appear to the new owners that the building was damned. I did this by getting spaghetti and attaching it to the inside wall of a small kitchen cupboard in the shape of phrases such as YOU WILL BURNE and GETTE OUT, which were similar to some I had seen on the Excorcist. I then papered over them with thin lining paper, to give the impression that the words were coming out of the house itself, and forgot about it for months until I recieved a phone call from the concerned occupants asking if I knew of any irregularities in the kitchen wallpaper. I replied that sometimes sometimes there were strange noises and a kind of scratching sound, and that Buster always seemed to be growling at something in that particular cupboard. I also pointed out that the structural survey clearly showed out that, although the house was entirely free of rising damp, it was absolutely riddled with demonic activity and hellishness, to see if I could get her to wet herself on the phone.