Bored of excitement – The griefjunkie blog 

ogm!!11! teh bleary idiot’’s!11!

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

Ahoy there, casual lovers

Yeah, one of our celebrity customers is none other than telly chefess Nigella Lawson, who, as I am fond of pointing out, has two legs but, incredibly, three thighs. I was watching a show of hers the other day where she was going on about visiting some fish market in Portugal and being ‘enchanted’ by all the traders singing and such as they dragged the mornings’ catch up to their stalls.

It prompted me to consider how enchanted she would be in the East Yard of Camden Lock at 7 am, with a bunch of not-getting-any-younger idiots blearily shouting at each other to fuck off. Usually mingling with this are the horribly juicy range of noises produced by Sammy the Orange hockling up phlegm, which sounds like a racehorse being throttled and is audible as far away as Belsize Park. I must drop Lawson an invite to pop down and see how peckish she feels after listening to twenty minutes of that, while having to contend with Dave trying to put his cock in her coffee for a laugh.

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ogm!111 hear’’s to teh happy couple!111

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

Ahoy there, casual lovers

Being a Londoner I am suspicious of air that I can’t chew, I need to be
mugged at least annually and if someone isn’t trying to blow me up I
don’t feel loved. I was therefore on principle less than enthralled
with having to trawl out to Gloucestershire, which could be on the moon
for all I know, for Joe and Abby’s wedding. The ceremony itself -
over which, let’s not forget, I was actually presiding – took
place in the garden of Abby’s uncle’s house or something, and those of
us who made up what was effectively the Away support for Joe had met in
Bristol to await a minibus. Our progress was immediately hampered by
having to hunt around for some girl who nobody actually knew and was
only known by her description, which was ‘very fat’. This was
further complicated by the fact that, as the enormous woman in question
was very sensitive about her size, no one was to make any reference at
all to, I dunno, cake retention, placing armed guards around the
wedding buffet, or cramming food into your face like a panicking hamster.

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ogm!11 i needlessly fought teh law!11

Thursday, September 4th, 2008

Ahoy there, casual lovers

Yeah, considering I don’t like either honey or brandy, I was intruiged to find myself banging honey brandy shots off the bar at the Wellington at 3 in the morning with the rest of the Idiot Battalion making up Joe’s stag night. It was a shambolic crew by that point, as you can probably imagine, and I had reached the point where words seemed to be too large to get out of my mouth. I have a recollection of the best man raising a glass to the happy couple and falling over, exactly like the Statue of Liberty would do, and of Piers – Joe’s brother, with the title of ringbearer on the day of the wedding itself, like some kind of hobbit or whatever – shouting at a jukebox.

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