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Middle Class People Can’t Say ‘Mate’
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 at 10:56 am | Write a comment
Dear Rachel
Middle class people can’t say ‘mate’ properly. They can say the actual word alright, but it sounds a bit implausible, in the same way that you could feasibly meet a man called Jim Membership, but you probably won’t.
Fortunately. the internet – along with rugby, festivals, voting, picnics, hypocracy, blogging, and lesbianism – is an almost exclusively middle class hobby, so while we’re here you might want to try speaking aloud your half of an imaginary conversation with a member of the working class – be it a removal man, plumber, or slag. The chances are you’ll fall down by pronouncing the ‘t’ in ‘mate’, which really you need to fold away into the roof of your mouth with the back of your tongue when you say it, so that it doesn’t escape and make you look like a tourist. Linguisticians refer to this escaping ‘t’ sound as a ‘Fuckwit T’.
It does, however, work the other way, too. Unless I am concentrating, I can’t say ‘oh my God oh my God oh my God’ like one of those terminally very excited middle class people, because I pronounce the ‘God’ part of the phrase as ‘Gawd’. Thinking about it, this is probably a strange hybrid of ‘Oh My God’ and nonsensical but nice old skool exclamation ‘Gordon Bennet’. Actually yeah, this must be the case, because if I was to speak to God I would not address Him as Gawd, unless His name is actually Gordon, and even if it was, I don’t think it would be appropriate to be using pet names to a deity in what I am sure would be a rigidly formal situation.
Incidentally, I am aware that I included blogging in the list of middle class hobbies earlier. While this is a blog, I think only the kindest person would refer to anyone connected with this company as middle class. This, then, is the only working class blog on the internet. Someone should build a fence around it, and point it out to passing coach parties.
Facebook – 116 members. We were up to 118 at one point last week, but two have presumably nipped outside for a fag.
Twitter – Inane.
Apr 28th, 2010
1:30 pm
Paul – you make aprons and t-shirts with posh slogans that you sell at one of the poshest markets in London and you’re working class… I put it to you sir that you have in fact infiltrated the middle classes with your entrpreneurial skill and dropped t’s.
Apr 30th, 2010
6:06 am
I remember now. The ship’s computer on Red Dwarf used to say Gordon Bennet a lot. I think.
May 5th, 2010
4:10 pm
I never really got on with Red Dwarf, but I think you may be right.
May 5th, 2010
4:31 pm
Yes. I am trying to revive my fortunes by marrying above my social standing.
Jun 5th, 2010
10:38 am
The real test is how you say bottom.
Jun 5th, 2010
7:34 pm
You’re not wrong, Stevie. Also whether you are Pret or KFC.
Jun 8th, 2010
9:38 pm
I would like to say you’re not wrong too Paul, but my friend has a Pret discount card, so is obliged to go there rather than KFC, which means she’s not really making a proper consumer choice. It’s a bit like those people who genuinely need a 4 wheel drive to transport small livestock around in, but who still get frosty looks from people driving Smart Cars.
Jun 9th, 2010
9:28 am
The first time I saw a Smart Car, Mrs Muir, I thought it was a pencil sharpener. My poor understanding of how the coutnryside works leads to believe that small livestock are driven around by their parents, who are bigger livestock, on their way to animal school, in which case yes, it would be foolish to have anything other than a 4×4. I have never in my life been in a 4×4, and am adding it to my Things To Do list.
Jun 10th, 2010
11:55 am
That’s an excellent idea, Paul, and a much more realistic ambition than say abseiling down Kilimanjaro, which would probably involve joining the local Round Table, making friends with like minded individuals and then having to do a series of pig-roasts to raise the money to fund it. As there are so many potholes in our roads, a ride in a 4 by 4 would be a very pleasant experience indeed and if you could borrow a chocolate labrador, you could avoid the frosty glares of the Smart car drivers too.
Jun 10th, 2010
4:26 pm
Cholcolate Labrador? Like an Easter Bunny, I assume. Sounds delicious.
Jul 16th, 2010
11:40 pm
Older women overheating and getting seriously shirty with each other in hyserical wartime propaganda accents in my local Waitrose because I’m too tight to spend a quid on the bus to Tescos. That’s all I’m saying.
Jul 17th, 2010
12:33 am
Those wartime propaganda accents are excellent though, and I for one would not be surprised if the Hun was indeed dropping parachutists dressed as nuns into our lovely villages.