bored of excitement – the griefjunkie blog 

Dear Rachel

‘All nicked, nuffink legal, take it orf me ‘ands’. Wise words there from my own grandfather, who as some of you may recall operated a reasonably successful curtain material business from a stall at Petticoat Lane for many years, before, as he put it, his supplier went bust. Or, as everyone else would put it, the London docks closed, causing a catastrophic decline in the number of warehouses you could steal curtain material from. He may well also have been responsible for perennial crowd pleaser ‘English Cox – a lady knows what’s best’ from my uncle’s fruit and veg days, and was in any case a big fan of selling things he hadn’t actually bought in the first place.

With genetic material of this quality locked into my DNA, it is unsurprising that I have an ear for a heckle. My current favourite is ‘Do you have eczema at all, madam?‘ which is the deathless gambit of the handcream stall in the centre of Greenwich market. It’s a bold challange alright, and if they would just follow it up with ‘On your elbows perhaps? Or your minge?‘ it would make me laugh uncontrollably for, I would imagine, about twenty five minutes.

On my own pitch, I usually allow my quiet sense of dignity to speak for me, although I will often advise wavering potential customers who may be in need of guidance to ‘Buy it, or hate yourself’. This particular phrase has been taken up and adapted by the small group of youthful Asian violentists who, you may also recall, I have been kind of mentoring over the last couple of months. I am pleased to report that they have come on in leaps and bounds in the field of casual retail and have managed to scramble together a reasonably viable stall. If anything, they now have a greater task to complete, as although I am always flattered that what I am telling them is sinking in, they have yet to learn that while adapting ‘Buy it, or hate yourself’ to ‘Buy it, you pussy’ does show initiative, it is unlikey to endear you to the kind of people who shop for tea towels.

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